Early Morning Mango and a Semi-epiphany

Beats me but I had a mango craving at 3.40 in the morning and succumbed to it. It’s part of my if you feel like it and you’ve weighed your options and it’s pretty harmless go for it mentality. I told myself well it’s better than that Bostock craving I gave into this morning (side eye at myself). Giraud’s restaurant in Anguilla makes some awesome Bostock if anybody is wondering…

Anyway… I’m eating my mango and I remember this conversation with a friend of mine. He constantly says that he lives with no regrets.  He’s made bad decisions, he accepts them and moves on. Actually I’ve come across a lot of people who claim to have this mentality. So of course my I-sit-constantly- and- obsess-over-the-past-self has been trying every method possible to adopt this shit happens move on mentality and it just hasn’t been working. Some mornings I get up and go YAYE I’m over it and I don’t give a (expletive…yeah I’m not sure how I feel about cursing on my blog just yet). Then other days I get up and go man, please God let me go back in time and fix this. So this is where I had my semi epiphany… I think people who live without regrets are people who can live with the consequences of their actions. I don’t fall into that category. I can’t live with the consequences of my actions. I guess this is where I would get the everything happens for a reason speech but to tell you the truth I’m not really sure it does, so that speech has never pacified me fully. I have these mental scars and every time I see them I wince.

Let’s say you used to ride a bike and one day you looked at your protective gear and said hmmm I don’t feel like logging this around today. You go for a ride, get into an accident and you’re paralyzed for the rest of your life. Every time your nurse wipes your ass you feel like mannnn can I go back to that day and do it all again. How can you live with the consequences of something like that and think…. No regrets. I don’t see how that’s possible but maybe I just need to work on my outlook on life (which I’m starting to think may be the case).

This random example just reminded me of something my Uncle who is a doctor said. Once you’re alive everything is fine. That just made a lot of sense to me. Maybe his proximity to death has made him realize that existing on this earth is all that matters; faulty decisions and all. So maybe every time I start beating up on myself for stupid decisions I need to say… hey you in the mirror, you’re alive right?

So new on my to do list is work on how I perceive things. Top priority! I’m off to catch what’s left of my morning snooze but before I go I’m going leave this link to an article I did on three AMAZING Caribbean Poets. It really is a must see. So please. Go see.

 http://arcthemagazine.com/arc/2011/07/de-art-junket-presents-armed-with-words/