It’s hot and I can’t seem to get focused at all. Actually, it’s been a while since I’ve been entirely focused and I miss those days. Those days when everything seemed so achievable and the greatness (in my head) that would one day be Nadja Thomas was around the corner. From the eyes of a bubbly little girl everything at that moment was perfect. I’ve been stuck in this mood lately where I wish it were 1992. I don’t know why, but that year seems about right. It’s almost as if on Old Year’s night that year I decided to etch those four numbers into my head just in case I forgot how awesome life could be and I guess it’s on days like this that I remember.
So why can’t it be yesterday? When you didn’t have to be good at anything but being a child. Those days are gone yet I still live in their shadows every now and then. If you know me you know that I’m obsessed with time and if you don’t know me then you just found out that I’m obsessed with time... No really I am… I even think about the time I waste thinking about how to control time. It’s just that I want it to be yesterday badly, when today’s acquaintances were my friends. When relatives and friends gone from my todays were alive.
I’ve come back home and I’m tormented by the worst side effect that nostalgia can bring. The feeling that everybody has forgotten you and grown closer while you left with just their memory and a false hope that when you show up again they remember the games you played and the good times that you spent. But the truth is I’ve been frozen in those memories while they’ve gone on making new ones. Why did I expect that they’d be frozen in time like me? At least I’m starting to understand that my obsession with time is just a way for me to hold on to the people I used to love and then I kick myself a little because I didn’t make the most of the time we spent. You know how Lupe says that you can’t take back the words that you never said? Well you can’t take back the moments that never happened. You know those memories that could have happened if I didn’t resign myself to becoming the acquaintance. Because I was so introverted that I decided not to call, text or even send a facebook message.
But perhaps as a friend of mine told me it’s never too late to reconnect and if it is then it’s definitely never too late to make new connections. And for lack of a better phrase I responded to him… “True dat”. And since I love obsessing over the past so much I realized that tomorrow today will become yesterday. So I may need to make my todays epic so that tomorrow I’ll be able to smile at these memories. I also got to thinking that tomorrow today will be somebody else’s yesterday and my obsession with halting time and going back to the past may be a tad bit selfish as I would be erasing somebody’s yesterdays. I certainly don’t know what I would do with the time I spent thinking of yesterday if I thought of it no more. So I will use the euphoria of yesterday to get high enough to face today. I will make sure that everyday I’m so drunk with memories that I will stagger, hop and skip to every challenge before me (or at least try to) and when I see a group of kids playing I will stop and say:
“Hey listen up, make the most of it because tomorrow today is going to be your yesterday.”
1 comments:
Carpe Diem...;)
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