I got up this morning like most mornings…. Worrying…
Thinking about the future…and then I mumbled, “I wish I were a whore”. Well
maybe I’m being a bit dramatic here but what I mean is that sometimes I wish I
possessed the ability to be carefree. I’m not talking about those forced to be
whores to feed their families, pay their bills or even because of an abusive
past. I’m talking about the sexually liberated because they just want to be
(those Samantha Jones out there) and no let me say I’m not glamorizing shit on
tv. (so all you activist out there please be quiet and listen to where I’m
coming from… that is if you’re even reading this). There is a certain level of
bravery that I have to admire in those who are sexually liberated. Being
sexually promiscuous is dangerous (that’s a no brainer), there may be mistakes
that you can’t do over, mistakes that may change your life forever but the
sexually liberated go ahead anyway. This is where my admiration for whores come
in … in the face of danger they still risk it to seek personal
satisfaction. How many of us have
said fuck the odds I’m going to do me… not many…not me
There are many other examples out here Nadja why do you have
to choose this one? Well simply because it’s the example that scares me the
most. It’s one of the most high
stakes games that I’ve seen played.
But it is true
there are countless examples of this bravery. The greatest inventors, teachers,
activist all exude the same kind of courageous behavior. They risk it, even
with the world telling them that they won’t make it out alive. We have the
examples of the gains fearlessness can bring but we sit full of fear, risking
personal satisfaction.
Look at me, I’m almost 25 (though I caught the psycho in me
telling somebody I was 23 smh… didn’t even catch the lie till I was driving
away). I took a break before grad school to sort out my life…. Mainly to write
a book I’ve been working on… and do
you know that writing this book has made me apply to grad school even
faster… I’m a coward. I’m not
brave like the whores or like the great men and women who’ve made their mark on
society. I’m filled with doubt and
I’ve let society tell me that I’m just wasting my time.
For instance my immediate family medical history is riddled
with cancer and heart disease, I’ve gotten so scared that at times I’ve held up
the sign of the cross to all fats, oils ...and anything that taste good. According to medical opinions I’m probably
doomed anyway so I should try to slow down the process. (I can’t even eat
without the world’s opinion...though I do understand that it is just out of
concern).
Maybe the path to freedom for me begins with baby steps… who
knows…
Anyway here’s a picture of my breakfast this morning. It’s
my temporary mini fuck you to genetics. A glass of red wine (at least it’s red
wine) and an oily piece of warmed over pizza… I raise my glass to freedom.
Carpe Diem
2 comments:
omg! girl!! i remember someone askin me my age nt too long ago and i told them i was 21! i didn't even realise what i'd said until later that day..:s.. seems my brain has convined itself that it's one of those Forever 21 jeans..
on another note, i feel u on the whole whore thing.. sometimes i just don't wanna care. i even used to wish tht i had been a bad egg and dropped out of school; at least they don't look like they're under any pressure or probably they don't care enough.. sometimes it's jus too much; so many opinions in your ear that you can't even hear your mind thinkin and reasonin.. sigh..
but we will find our place, we just have to hope for the best and try a little bit everyday..
I think hard work will pay off in the end soI guess we just have to keep at it
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