I’ve realized that I’m not cut out for my nomadic lifestyle. About a year ago I decided to drop everything and take a year off. Find out what was bothering me, reconnect with those that I haven’t seen in a while, get my life on track, be refreshed and move on. You know, my usual fairytale idea. Well fairytales are usually allegories for fools and children (guess which one I am ) and I was definitely blindsided by its hidden message. Let’s just say things didn’t quite turn out the way that I wanted them to (Gross understatement)
First of all I don’t even like to travel! I don’t even know where I got this brilliant idea to be a nomad from. Secondly I just don’t think my heart is cut out to be a nomad. I get attached to people and places and then I realize its time to leave. I’ve had this feeling in the pit of my stomach for the last year and I’ve been wondering what was causing it. It usually happens when I reconnect with an old friend. After going out about 5 times I’d start feeling uneasy and I’ve been attributing this feeling to the fact that I think that I’m barging into their lives and demanding time, and frankly who am I to do that? But I’ve discovered that isn’t the reason for my unrest. It’s the fact that I’ve been accepted back into their lives and I’m leaving again. I feel like the bad father who pops up out of the blue only to disappear again. Leaving in his wake emotionally abused children. (Hey, I hear that I have a tendency to be dramatic). But that’s how I feel.
Well my time off is coming to an end and though my year hasn’t been the fairytale that I expected it to be I’ve learnt SOOOOOO much about myself that it’s pretty scary. It’s like there was a whole other person just waiting to come out. Fears that I didn’t even know existed have surfaced, but I’ve discovered that I have a fierce will to survive. I’m still terribly insecure but I can now push that aside long enough to go after those dreams that I’ve kept in my pocket. I’m a little overwhelmed as I have so much to do to get where I need to be. I’ve been an in the closet dreamer for so long that I’m now playing catch up just to achieve my dreams. And then there is the constant fear of failure. If you’ve ever tried to catch a train with 3 minutes to go and you’re at the stoplight just before the train station… well that’s how I feel. Do I keep on going; does it even make any sense at this point? What if I never make it? … I really wish I had all the answers but I don’t so I’m going to continue living on a prayer.
P.S. check out my pick-me-up clip. I play it every time I think of giving up and when it’s done I clap my hands and say * LET’S DO THIS *
1 comments:
"I’ve been attributing this feeling to the fact that I think that I’m barging into their lives and demanding time, and frankly who am I to do that?"...I've been feeling the same way about a current situation and it has kept me out of contact and keeping my distance from a very good friend. It sucks but then again, how can you always be sure that that is not the case? Nobody likes to feel like a stranger and it really does hurt to find out that we probably are.
As for those dreams in your pocket, get them out missy! the beauty in all things is in the attempt. Its an awesome thing when you've reach the top but even more awesome is your journey. That feeling of being overwhelmed only really genuinely exists when your are still dreaming and yet living that dream. Once you sum up that courage and go to the edge, and remain fearlessly at the edge, everything seems possible. It is then you begin to realize, "I can really do this." You shouldn't fear failure! Failure is not death. Contrary to popular belief, failure is just a molehill in the journey of life, it is a temporary state. Your book is written when you have failures to talk about and more importantly how you rose from those failures.
Keep on going Odi! Don't give up at the light! And even if you miss the train, so what! You now have time to re-think and re-energize. Just remember, the beauty is always in the attempt...;)
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