What next ?

What next?

Today is one of those days that I feel like… What now? If you’ve ever gone through your plan A, back up plan B, C, & D and they all fell through, put your hands in the air! (8) *sigh* . I guess I should take this time to redraft my plans (not like I had much choice, right?). It’s extremely frustrating though making plans that you know may be shut down, but I guess life is about going after what you want and making it happen for you. What’s that thing I always hear? Something like…  “If it were easy everybody would be doing it.” The problem is maybe I don’t really care how many people are doing what I want to do, as long as they do it because they love it, I want them to succeed too.  But I’ve heard I’m ridiculously unrealistic so maybe my utopia where we all hold a career that we love may be taking up brain space that could be making more plans.

The thing that bothers me the most is not that my plans are crumbling (That’s only about 49.9999 % of the problem). It’s that they aren’t crumbling in a timely manner. The worst thing to have is a plan that you THINK is working and after a ridiculous amount of time invested you reach an impasse.  Three back up plans later crumbling in similar fashion makes you think “hmmmm wait, were all those negative people who told you that you would fail on to something?”

Or maybe my plans are falling through because I’m focusing on the wrong thing.  I have to admit I’m so eager to show everybody that I’m not indeed wasting my time, that I want my plans to come through for the wrong reasons. Not because I want to showcase my talent but because I want other people to see that I am talented. You may say well what the hell is the difference but think about it. I’ve lost focus, for a moment.  I’ve wanted to show that I was a good writer so badly that I forgot that I wrote because I just love to write. I’ve been caught up daydreaming about the look on that ex-boyfriend’s face when he actually sees one of my books... “Author: Nadja Odi Thomas” that I’ve forgotten that I want to put my writing out there because I love writing and literature has been something I’ve dreamt about everyday since I could remember. I want to write because I want the people who will never meet me to hear of my crazy experiences and my defining moments. That there are people out there who I just want to share my story with because even though I’ve never met my favorite writers I’ve shared stories with them through their own words. Dan Brown and I solved religious mysteries, Stephen King told me stories that made my heart skip a beat at every passing shadow and J.K. Rowling taught me lessons on being brave. Perhaps I forget that recently I’ve been singing ‘Turn up the lights in here, baby! (8)” Extra bright because I want each of you to see this, the optimist in me thinks that it may be epic! (But that’s just the optimist; the pessimist is saying keep quiet for fear of being ridiculed and jinxing yourself)

So maybe everything happens for a reason because without these rejections I wouldn’t be forced to carry out this introspection. It’s crazy how we let people who are not worth it subconsciously meddle with our dreams. So much so that the words of those who keep pushing us to keep going get lost, yet they continue to care because they believe we are really sitting on something valuable. But I’ve been so preoccupied with telling my naysayers to go suck it, that I’ve lost sight of what’s important.

So I’m doing a memory jog. I will stand up and reintroduce myself to me.

“Hi I’m Nadja Thomas, I’m a full time dreamer, part-time philosopher, in the closet writer and somebody’s daughter”