Tomorrow, Today will be Somebody’s Yesterday

It’s hot and I can’t seem to get focused at all. Actually, it’s been a while since I’ve been entirely focused and I miss those days. Those days when everything seemed so achievable and the greatness (in my head) that would one day be Nadja Thomas was around the corner. From the eyes of a bubbly little girl everything at that moment was perfect. I’ve been stuck in this mood lately where I wish it were 1992. I don’t know why, but that year seems about right. It’s almost as if on Old Year’s night that year I decided to etch those four numbers into my head just in case I forgot how awesome life could be and I guess it’s on days like this that I remember.

So why can’t it be yesterday? When you didn’t have to be good at anything but being a child. Those days are gone yet I still live in their shadows every now and then. If you know me you know that I’m obsessed with time and if you don’t know me then you just found out that I’m obsessed with time... No really I am… I even think about the time I waste thinking about how to control time.  It’s just that I want it to be yesterday badly, when today’s acquaintances were my friends. When relatives and friends gone from my todays were alive.

I’ve come back home and I’m tormented by the worst side effect that nostalgia can bring.  The feeling that everybody has forgotten you and grown closer while you left with just their memory and a false hope that when you show up again they remember the games you played and the good times that you spent. But the truth is I’ve been frozen in those memories while they’ve gone on making new ones. Why did I expect that they’d be frozen in time like me?  At least I’m starting to understand that my obsession with time is just a way for me to hold on to the people I used to love and then I kick myself a little because I didn’t make the most of the time we spent. You know how Lupe says that you can’t take back the words that you never said? Well you can’t take back the moments that never happened. You know those memories that could have happened if I didn’t resign myself to becoming the acquaintance. Because I was so introverted that I decided not to call, text or even send a facebook message.

But perhaps as a friend of mine told me it’s never too late to reconnect and if it is then it’s definitely never too late to make new connections. And for lack of a better phrase I responded to him… “True dat”.  And since I love obsessing over the past so much I realized that tomorrow today will become yesterday. So I may need to make my todays epic so that tomorrow I’ll be able to smile at these memories. I also got to thinking that tomorrow today will be somebody else’s yesterday and my obsession with halting time and going back to the past may be a tad bit selfish as I would be erasing somebody’s yesterdays. I certainly don’t know what I would do with the time I spent thinking of yesterday if I thought of it no more.  So I will use the euphoria of yesterday to get high enough to face today. I will make sure that everyday I’m so drunk with memories that I will stagger, hop and skip to every challenge before me (or at least try to) and when I see a group of kids playing I will stop and say:

“Hey listen up, make the most of it because tomorrow today is going to be your yesterday.”

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What next ?

What next?

Today is one of those days that I feel like… What now? If you’ve ever gone through your plan A, back up plan B, C, & D and they all fell through, put your hands in the air! (8) *sigh* . I guess I should take this time to redraft my plans (not like I had much choice, right?). It’s extremely frustrating though making plans that you know may be shut down, but I guess life is about going after what you want and making it happen for you. What’s that thing I always hear? Something like…  “If it were easy everybody would be doing it.” The problem is maybe I don’t really care how many people are doing what I want to do, as long as they do it because they love it, I want them to succeed too.  But I’ve heard I’m ridiculously unrealistic so maybe my utopia where we all hold a career that we love may be taking up brain space that could be making more plans.

The thing that bothers me the most is not that my plans are crumbling (That’s only about 49.9999 % of the problem). It’s that they aren’t crumbling in a timely manner. The worst thing to have is a plan that you THINK is working and after a ridiculous amount of time invested you reach an impasse.  Three back up plans later crumbling in similar fashion makes you think “hmmmm wait, were all those negative people who told you that you would fail on to something?”

Or maybe my plans are falling through because I’m focusing on the wrong thing.  I have to admit I’m so eager to show everybody that I’m not indeed wasting my time, that I want my plans to come through for the wrong reasons. Not because I want to showcase my talent but because I want other people to see that I am talented. You may say well what the hell is the difference but think about it. I’ve lost focus, for a moment.  I’ve wanted to show that I was a good writer so badly that I forgot that I wrote because I just love to write. I’ve been caught up daydreaming about the look on that ex-boyfriend’s face when he actually sees one of my books... “Author: Nadja Odi Thomas” that I’ve forgotten that I want to put my writing out there because I love writing and literature has been something I’ve dreamt about everyday since I could remember. I want to write because I want the people who will never meet me to hear of my crazy experiences and my defining moments. That there are people out there who I just want to share my story with because even though I’ve never met my favorite writers I’ve shared stories with them through their own words. Dan Brown and I solved religious mysteries, Stephen King told me stories that made my heart skip a beat at every passing shadow and J.K. Rowling taught me lessons on being brave. Perhaps I forget that recently I’ve been singing ‘Turn up the lights in here, baby! (8)” Extra bright because I want each of you to see this, the optimist in me thinks that it may be epic! (But that’s just the optimist; the pessimist is saying keep quiet for fear of being ridiculed and jinxing yourself)

So maybe everything happens for a reason because without these rejections I wouldn’t be forced to carry out this introspection. It’s crazy how we let people who are not worth it subconsciously meddle with our dreams. So much so that the words of those who keep pushing us to keep going get lost, yet they continue to care because they believe we are really sitting on something valuable. But I’ve been so preoccupied with telling my naysayers to go suck it, that I’ve lost sight of what’s important.

So I’m doing a memory jog. I will stand up and reintroduce myself to me.

“Hi I’m Nadja Thomas, I’m a full time dreamer, part-time philosopher, in the closet writer and somebody’s daughter”

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Still a Fan

 Dear Current West Indies Team,

Please watch below.

That is all.

Sincerely,
Still a fan

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Democracy without Education is Tyranny in Disguise.

Blind Support

We all have our individual rights and free will to make decisions. To rally behind whom we think is the best in a particular situation but I wish we didn’t do it blindly. Before I start I feel the need to put up a disclaimer (ironically for those blindly supporting). I am in no way targeting any specific political, religious, or social groups that anybody belongs to. I am merely making an observation. I don’t know if it was always like this, I’m probably only now old enough to understand discourse or to interpret people’s actions but whether it is a thing of the past or recent development today it really works my nerves. What does? BLIND SUPPORT. Let’s be honest with ourselves here. Every person, institution or movement we support has flaws. It is up to us to point them out, voice our opinions and keep the ship a float. We are all human beings and flaws come with the territory. Why then do we pretend to agree with everything that comes out of the mouths of those we support? We support someone because MOST (not all) of his or her beliefs and ideas are similar to ours. But there will always comes a time when we will differ.

Take politics for instance; It’s quite alright for you and your neighbor to have differing opinions in regards to who should run the country and how it should be done, but what we all have to recognize is that the people we support don’t have all the answers. Similarly, if we don’t support a particular party it does not mean that all their ideas are totally wrong. What democracy affords us is the right to choose who we think will do the most good for our country. Blind support, however, has been eating away at democracy. I for one have not come across a single party in which I totally believe in. It’s okay to challenge those you support. Supporting the government doesn’t mean despising the opposition; just as supporting the opposition shouldn’t mean hatred of the government.

Sadly, blind support, seems to be affecting every area of our lives. How many times have we felt like telling our friends, “Hey, I don’t agree with what you’re doing”, but felt like that meant that we were no longer playing on their team. It’s the basis of gangs, cults and groups that oppress other groups. Nobody wants to speak up and have a differing point of view. In fact, formulating views of your own can be seen as treason to the group that you support.

I say all this to simply urge each one of us to think for ourselves. Hey, I’m no saint either. In fact the times that I’ve gone with the crowd, fully aware that their actions and views did not reflect mine, were the most troubling times of my life. I still think about them. What if I had said something? Are there people out there who label me based on ideologies that I don’t even believe, all because I was too afraid to voice my opinion for fear of seeming to be a traitor.

Most times I cringe when I think about my small island divided by politics, where no one listens but everyone argues blindly. What then was the point of our education? Why were we taught to think critically? Has our education system failed us if we can truly say that we agree with every decision that our party of choice puts forwards. Has it also failed us if we can’t accept that a plan put forward by those we aren’t in support of sounds better than what our own group has proposed?

Are we threatening democracy by not flexing our educated muscle? I for one believe that democracy without education is tyranny in disguise. Maybe there would not be as much turmoil if we understood what the repercussions of blind support were. Maybe if we understood that we were educated to build society with input from all sectors we would quickly shed this nasty habit. We aren’t twelve years old anymore where whoever we supported depended on the discussions overheard in our parents’ kitchens.  We can read, analyze and access information all on our own. We have a general knowledge of what is moral and immoral conduct and we know when good men are being attacked out of jealousy. So I pray that as a country we save ourselves and exercise our right to be individuals.

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To blog or not to blog

I’ve come to the realization that writing a blog is a personal thing. Yes I know that I should have figured this out before now, but I was of the belief that I could talk about things without bearing my soul or giving too much insight into my personal life. I’ve started many entries and have had to put them away because I fear that I will feel eternally naked once I hit that publish button. Silly of me to think that I could talk generally about topics without it being known that I have a personal connection to them. Strangely though I still feel blogging is something that I should do. To most of you to blog or not to blog isn’t the most pressing issue in your life right now. Neither is it the most pressing in mine, but it’s there. Who knows in the end blogging may be just what the doctor ordered but bear with me while I figure out how to share these stories without sacrificing my privacy or the privacy of others. I don’t even know if it can be done, but I’m going to try. 

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